


SSRI

by gaylinda_of_the_upper_uplands



Category: In the Heights - Miranda/Hudes
Genre: Depression, F/F, Memory Loss
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-10
Updated: 2020-06-10
Packaged: 2021-03-03 21:01:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,601
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24651997
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gaylinda_of_the_upper_uplands/pseuds/gaylinda_of_the_upper_uplands
Summary: She’ll be fine, because she’s always fine.
Relationships: Carla/Daniela (In the Heights)
Comments: 4
Kudos: 17





	1. Chapter 1

Sometimes, Daniela doesn’t quite know what to do with herself. She gets up at the same time every day, drinks a coffee of her own before getting one at the bodega, opens the salon and sits quietly, waiting for someone to join her. She used to read. Used to sing or just listen to the music, maybe even dance around if she was feeling up to it.

She never feels up to it.

She waits and waits and waits. And sometimes it’s an hour or more before the first chime of the door rings, but she still wakes up at the same time because she needs sameness. And she will talk politely with Carla but not too politely because that’s weird, but not too casually because she doesn’t want to scare her away.

And she lets Vanessa know that she loves her but never obviously. Because if she says it obviously the girl will freak out and so she does it subtly. She buys her lunch every day and gives a bonus check if she ever needs it and drives her around to meet up with all of her friends because it’s important for her to have that supportive network.

“Dani?” And she’s sitting at her desk in the back room over a stack of papers, Carla by her side. There are far too many bills to count, so she doesn’t. And it’s hard but she has to sit and watch her money slowly dwindle and one day there won’t be any left. But she’ll be fine, because she’s always fine.

She talks to Sonny at lunch time and checks he’s doing alright at school and makes sure that Usnavi’s been doing his taxes right because even though Daniela’s not a miracle worker, anything will help that poor boy out. And she ruffles his hair and then pinches Sonny’s cheek and if Benny’s there she’ll give the boy a hug because he’s been so stressed out lately.

“Dani?” Something’s been different in her lately. She can’t decide what it is. She knows the salad in front of her is multicoloured, but all she sees is green. It floods her vision as her eyes slide in and out of focus. She only sees her cutlery because it’s shiny and pierces her vision, almost painfully, with the harsh silver glare.

If Nina comes by, she’ll be proud and supportive and adoring. Because she’s like a second mother to that girl, and the other girl, and all of the boys next door who need more love than they can get. And she’s a best friend to Carla because Carla has no-one else and doesn’t fare well on her own.

And she’s like the daughter Claudia never had. Only a child, she was, when Abuela first held her in her arms. And though she’s not close with Nina’s parents, she keeps an eye on them. She sees the tension building before they do.

If she manages to catch a sight of Pete at some point during the day, she’ll give him a kiss on the cheek. She’s started calling him Petie now. He hates it, but she doesn’t care. It softens him a bit. She believes in him, but she also sees what he can’t. Doesn’t have the heart to tell him, but Carla’s gay. And Vanessa’s already in love, has been for quite some time.

“I’m worried about you.”

And suddenly she’s sitting in Carla’s living room, a blanket over her lap as the younger woman rests on her shoulder, snoring softly. Movie credits play on the screen. She doesn’t have the energy to care, so she doesn’t. But then she’s in Carla’s bed and there’s a cloudy haze on the edges of her vision and she’s being looked at strangely and she doesn’t know why because surely if she can’t remember getting here she can’t have said anything because Daniela knows _everything_ that _anyone_ has _ever_ said.

“Are you okay?” And she nods because _of course_ she’s okay because she’s Daniela and she’s always okay.

Then she’s back at work and it’s like nothing even happened because she’s still there too early and Carla is exactly on time and Vanessa’s late. And she doesn’t know how she knows these things should be happening because she can’t remember them happening before, but she knows that they happen.

“Talk to me, Daniela.” It’s her full name this time which is strange because she can’t recall Carla ever calling her that. And although she knows she spoke she doesn’t know what she spoke about. It makes Carla’s eyebrows furrow and her head tilt to the side and Daniela decides she doesn’t like that face when it’s directed at her so she shuts up and doesn’t talk again.

She’s at her place now, Carla cooking dinner as Daniela sits on the couch and stares at the wall because what else is there to look at? And she doesn’t go to work the next day because Carla doesn’t let her and her role in Carla’s life is to make Carla happy and so she doesn’t go. But she still wakes up at the same time and at exactly seven thirty she’s fully dressed and has had two cups of coffee and is now sitting at the table, not reading or listening to music or singing or dancing because she doesn’t do that anymore because now she just sits.

They’re in a doctor’s office and when asked how she feels she says fine, even though Carla’s now holding her hand and even kissed her cheek this morning and she’s definitely feeling something other than fine but she’s gotten so used to the response that she says it anyway.

“I love you, Dani.” Carla strokes her hair as tears roll down her cheeks but Daniela doesn’t cry because somehow, she knew what was wrong with her all along. And she’s not sure what Carla means by loving her but her stomach is full of butterflies and her heart flutters and she’s possessed by something to lean in and kiss her and although Carla smiles and it’s genuine, it’s also sad.

“We should wait until you’re better.”

How can she be better or worse if everything is always the same?

It’s a month later and she knows it’s a month because Carla has put a calendar on her fridge because she’s not good at keeping track of her days anymore. She starts going back to work, but Carla still organises her pills, because Carla doesn’t lose things like Daniela does.

Things are less hazy now.

“I think it’s working,” Daniela says, and remembers she says it. She decides she likes hearing both sides of the conversation better.

Sometimes she has gaps in her memory, but the haze is gone.

She kisses Carla again.

And then says sorry because she didn’t ask first and she should have but she didn’t because she forgot to, even though she rehearsed this moment in her head for hours the previous night.

“It’s okay, Dani. You can kiss me.” At some point Daniela says I love you, and she knows she said that because Carla says “I love you too.” And then they kiss again and even though Daniela knows she won’t remember it forever she remembers it for long enough after that she remembers the feeling of it. One of her chest tightening enough that she was just slightly uncomfortable, her hands shaking as she held onto Carla’s, and the swooping feeling she felt in her heart as their lips touched.

Things go back to normal. But not _too_ normal, the doctor says, because if it happens again it will be bad and we need to switch things up. And so now every weekend Carla takes her somewhere new to get her out of the house and disrupt the routine, which Daniela minds less than she thought she would.

And then one weekend, when the haze is all gone and the conversations stay in her head and the calendar is only still there not because she needs it but because it has cute puppy photos on it, Carla doesn’t take her anywhere. They make breakfast together and sing together and dance together and mark off yesterday on the calendar and Carla kisses her because it’s been a year since she started getting better.

And then Carla pulls a ring out of god-knows-where since she’s only wearing one of Daniela’s tiny nightgowns. And Daniela says yes because she wants to live with Carla forever. She wants to remember this moment forever.

The only haze is from the tears of joy that cloud her vision.


	2. Chapter 2

Daniela starts to speak less Spanish. It’s the first thing Carla notices.

She still understands the things that Carla says, but only if it sounds familiar. Carla tries to change her accent to make it easier for her. Eventually she only speaks in English, too. No-one else seems to notice. Daniela’s accent is still there, so it’s easy to forget anything is wrong.

It scares Carla when Daniela starts to forget what day it is, what time she needs to be places, when she’s supposed to write out the pay checks. Carla sees the things no-one else seems to. The increase in sticky notes, most with simple things on them. It’s when she sees one reminding Daniela to come to her place on Friday night, like she did every Friday night, that her heart drops.

They watch one of Daniela’s favourite movies, but it’s like she doesn’t even recognise it. Carla watches her face carefully, but she only seems confused at the colloquialisms and varying accents. The actors are all from the Caribbean. She should be able to understand them.

Carla falls asleep at some point, and wakes up in her bed. Daniela sits beside her, stroking her hair absentmindedly.

“Did you carry me here?”

“Yes.”

“Thank you.”

“You’re welcome.”

The stiff conversation does little to put Carla at ease, and she faces herself with the task of digging deeper, though she’s not sure she really wants to know.

“Are you okay?” Carla asks with uncertainty. She feels Daniela’s hand freeze, then get drawn away. After a moment of silence she turns to see Daniela properly, waiting for a response. All she gets is a nod. “When you’re ready, tell me. Please.” Another nod. Sighing softly, Carla turns off the lamp next to her, laying back down in bed. A moment later she feels Daniela shift, facing away from her. Carla wraps a timid arm around her waist, and although Daniela’s breathing changes, she doesn’t move away.

———

“I’m coming over tonight,” Carla says the moment Vanessa leaves. She hopes the girl doesn’t notice anything’s wrong.

“Okay,” Daniela says, but looks confused at the proclamation.

“What do you want for dinner?” Carla knows Daniela’s favourite foods, of course. Can cook them all from memory. But when Daniela can’t answer the question, her fears are confirmed. “Have you been eating enough?” Carla’s noticed how her dresses hang slightly looser than they used to, how her arms are thinner and her stomach is now flat.

“I don’t know.” Daniela doesn’t seem to comprehend how concerning her words are to Carla.

“I’ll cook, okay? And stay with you for a bit.”

“If you want to.” Daniela shrugs it off, getting back to her work as Carla looks on in worry.

“Talk to me, Daniela,” she demands.

“I don’t remember yesterday.” It rushes out of her mouth too quickly, but the words keep coming. “Or the day before. Or anything in the past few months. I’m scared, Carla.” Tears form in her eyes, as they do in Carla’s. It’s clear she wants to say more, but she holds herself back.

“I’m taking you to the doctor,” Carla says, eyebrows furrowed. “No work tomorrow.”

———

“Buenos noches, Dani,” Carla says, frowning when she doesn’t get a response. She turns to face Daniela, who looks at her blankly. Carla’s voice is close to cracking as she has to translate herself. “Goodnight. That means goodnight.”

“Buenos noches.” It’s not quite right. The accent is almost there but there’s something so skewed about it regardless that it doesn’t _sound_ like Daniela. Carla makes herself turn back around. She doesn’t want Daniela to see her upset.

“Te quiero tanto.” As the words leave her mouth, they don’t feel right. A moment passes before she corrects herself quietly, voice shaking. “No. Te amo. Te echo de menos.” Daniela doesn’t ask what it means, so Carla doesn’t tell her.

She cries herself to sleep.

———

“Daniela,” Carla calls out, her voice shaking. Daniela’s knuckles turn white as she grips the railing of the fire escape tighter, her legs trembling from adrenaline. “Look at me, Dani.” Slowly, she lifts her head, tearing her gaze away from the road below. “Please.” As Carla’s voice cracks, Daniela slowly turns, her eyes meeting Carla’s. The young woman hugs herself tightly in her coat, trying to calm down as her heart thuds against her chest. “Come back inside.”

“No.”

“I wasn’t giving you an option.” Daniela shakes her head, turning around to stare at the grey wall of the building across the street. Carla holds her breath as she approaches, wrapping her arms around Daniela’s waist. “I’ll listen to you, if you talk to me.” Carla rubs Daniela’s hip, unwilling to let go. There’s silence for several minutes, until Daniela speaks, voice hoarse.

“It’s cold.”

“It is.”

“I don’t like the cold.” Carla smiles sadly at her comment. “I want to go home.”

“Home?” Carla asks cautiously, not wanting to make her upset.

“Vega Alta.”

“Would that make you happy?”

“Maybe,” Daniela says, but shakes her head. “I don’t know.” Her hands relax on the railing, now bright red.

“What makes you happy?” Carla knows the answer, of course. But Daniela’s talking more than she has in months, and she’s scared to let her stop.

“Family.”

“Do you want to do something for Christmas this year? With everyone?” Daniela’s eyes immediately light up, and Carla knows she’s said the right thing.

“Yes.” Kissing her cheek, Carla takes off her coat, wrapping it around Daniela’s shoulders. 

“I’d like that too. A party?”

“Mhm.”

“With food and games and dancing.” Carla smiles, taking Daniela’s cold hands in her own and rubbing them to heat her up. “All of the girls will come. Most of the boys, too,” she says with a grin.

“I like dancing,” Daniela says absentmindedly, and Carla smiles sadly, moving her hands back to Daniela’s waist. She holds her close, not wanting Daniela to see the tears that have started to fall, but the shaking of her body gives her away. “Don’t cry.”

“Would you have done it?” Carla voice is shaky and quiet, like she doesn’t want to ask. “If I wasn’t here?”

“Yes.” Carla bursts into tears at her monotone comment, and Daniela doesn’t respond for a moment.

“Promise me you won’t, Dani,” she cries, holding her tightly in her arms. “Please.”

“Okay.” Carla doesn’t even seem to register her response, still sobbing against her coat. Daniela finds herself comforting her, unsure of how their situations could reverse so quickly.

“I love you, Dani,” Carla cries, clutching her tighter. “I love you so much and I don’t want you to ever leave me.” She pulls herself away, holding Daniela’s shoulders, looking into her blank eyes. “Please say something,” she whispers, eyes pleading. But Daniela doesn’t say anything. She leans forwards slightly, her cold fingers moving to caress Carla’s cheeks. Carla stills, never having felt so vulnerable around Daniela; never having been this intimate with her. There’s a moment while Daniela looks observantly at her, before kissing her sweetly. It doesn’t last long, but she pulls away with a small smile on her face for the first time since god-knows-when.

Then they just stare at each other. Carla doesn’t know how long they’ve been outside—it’s now dark, and she’s starting to feel the cold. But then Daniela’s eyebrows furrow slightly, and Carla’s afraid she’s going to retreat again, until she takes Carla’s hands and stands up on her tiptoes to kiss her again, and again, and again. Carla doesn’t say anything; it’s clear to her that Daniela is finally _feeling_ something— there’s a smile on her face every time she pulls away. All of Carla’s anxiety is erased as Daniela pulls her back inside, shutting the window behind them.

As Daniela’s hands start to roam up the front of her shirt Carla moans softly, grinning into the kiss as she’s pushed onto the couch and Daniela climbs onto her lap. She pushes her coat off of Daniela’s shoulders, moving her hands to settle on her waist. She lets Daniela touch her; she’s waited for this for what has felt like forever. But once her shirt is already on the floor and Daniela slips under the waistband of her jeans, she takes her hands, pulling them away.

“We should wait until you’re better.” Daniela looks hurt, and Carla hates herself for it, but she can’t continue. “This is what you want; what I want, too. But I don’t think it’s a good idea to do this now.”

“Why?” Daniela’s tearing up now, and Carla rests a hand on her cheek, ready to wipe them away.

“You’re not in the right state to make this decision. And I’m not either,” she adds with a sad smile.

“Fine.” Daniela’s clearly upset, and Carla frowns at her reaction.

“Dani, this will make things easier. You don’t need more happening in your life right now.”

“I’m sorry,” Daniela says, now crying. Carla hugs her close, pulling a blanket around them.

“Please, just…if there’s a next time, say something.”

“I’m sorry,” Daniela whispers, over and over like a broken record. Carla holds her tight through the night, promising that everything will be okay.

———

“Vanessa? Can I talk to you?” Vanessa raises her eyebrows at Carla’s question, putting down the spray bottle she’d been holding.

“Yeah, sure.” She looks at Carla expectantly, frowning as the woman shoots a quick look at Daniela before going into the back room. “What about?”

“Daniela.”

“What happened?” Carla immediately loses her composure, beginning to cry at the question. With a frown on her face, Vanessa moves to hold her hands. “Carla?”

“She tried to kill herself.” Vanessa doesn’t speak for a moment, but there’s tears in her eyes almost immediately.

“When?” Her voice cracks as she says it, and her legs begin to shake.

“Friday. I brought her to work today so she wouldn’t try anything again. There’s still a couple of weeks until her medication will start working.” Vanessa looks conflicted about what to do next. She’d known something was up with Daniela, but she never expected anything like this.

“How?” She asks in a whisper. Carla squeezes her hands gently before responding.

“I found her on the fire escape. She said she would have done it if I wasn’t there.” All of a sudden Vanessa bursts into tears, crying into Carla’s shirt.

“She’s going to be okay, Nessa.” Carla hushes her, rubbing her back soothingly.

“Carla? When are we leaving?” Daniela enters the back room, seemingly unaware of their conversation. Without a moment’s thought, Vanessa runs to her, hugging her tightly and sobbing into her chest. Confused, Daniela wraps her arms hesitantly around the girl.

“I fucking hate you!” Vanessa screams, but only holds Daniela tighter. “Why would you do that to me?” She cries, frustrated at Daniela’s refusal to respond to her.

“I’m sorry.”

“Sorry isn’t good enough!” Her knees lock before giving way, and Daniela holds her up tightly, stroking her hair as the girl shakes. “I hate you,” Vanessa mutters over and over, and Carla can only watch on as Daniela begins to cry, too.

———

It seems to Carla that the change happened over night. It didn’t, she knows logically, but the first time she sees Daniela smile without her prompting, she knows things are getting better. Daniela feels the same, as she turns on the radio for the first time in half a year and hums along to the music. Carla stands quietly in the doorway, some part of her thinking the spell will break if she lets herself be known. There really shouldn’t be tears in her eyes; it’s not a sad song, after all. But Daniela looks _happy_ and she’s so proud of her for making it to this point when it felt like everything was against them.

“Buenos días,” Daniela says with a grin, kissing Carla on the cheek and pulling her over to the table, where she’s already made her coffee— two creams and three sugars. Something in Carla breaks as she sits down, and she can seem to do nothing but cry. Daniela’s by her side in an instant, rubbing her shoulders gently. “Don’t cry, Carlita.” She hasn’t heard the nickname in a while, either, and it only makes her cry more. Because Daniela’s finally speaking Spanish again, if only a little. “What’s wrong, mi amor?” Carla stands up at her question, hugging her tightly. She doesn’t know how she could possibly express how much she’s missed _this_.

“I’m so proud of you.” Carla wipes her eyes as she pulls away, unsure of what to do with herself. Daniela smiles brightly, and gives her a sweet kiss before backing away, suddenly apologising.

“Lo siento. I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have done that.”

“It’s okay, Dani. You can kiss me.” Carla smiles gently, taking her hands. Daniela kisses her again, smiling as Carla trails after her lips once she pulls away.

“I love you.”

“I love you, too.”


End file.
